What color
is your banana?
Answer honestly. He will grade it instantly and without doubt.
The value hierarchy is re-ordered every day at midnight UTC. Today's best banana is tomorrow's disgrace, and he will not acknowledge that it ever changed. Nothing is stored about you and nothing is sent anywhere — the ranking is derived from today's date in your own browser, so everyone gets the same order on the same day. $TATERILLA has not launched and has no contract address.
What colour is
your banana?
Eight bizarre questions. Your answers build your banana profile and end in your own Banana Colour, Type and traits. Different answers, different bananas.
Runs entirely in this page. Nothing is sent or stored. The share link carries only your eight answers, so anyone can open it and see your banana. Satire; not advice.
The high-value
diagnostic
Seven questions. He designed it himself. He has never taken it.
The diagnostic runs entirely in this page. Your answers are never sent anywhere, never stored on a server and never attached to you. The share link carries only the seven letters you picked, which is why anyone can open it and see exactly the verdict you saw — no account, no sign-up, no cookie.
This is not a cage
This is a private compound.
The bars are on this website too. Look at them. They have been there since you arrived, and you scrolled past them without comment, which he would say proves his entire point about the matrix.
He explains freedom for a living. He explains it from a fixed position, between two vertical bars, to an audience that can leave whenever it likes and frequently does.
The Matrix Keepers come in twice a day to clean, and behave as though they cannot hear him. This is the single most disrespectful thing that happens to anybody in this project.
The compound has one door. It is at the far end, it is nine feet high, and every photograph ever taken here has been carefully framed to leave it just outside the shot. He has never mentioned the door. Nobody has ever asked.
The chain
Solid gold. Worn every hour of every day.
He describes it as proof of arrival. It is the heaviest object in the compound that is not structural, and he has worn it continuously for so long that the Escape Plan Ape has twice tried to include it in a plan as raw material and twice been shouted down.
It has three functions, in his own stated order of importance: it signals value, it catches the light during the Daily Cage Rant, and it is a chain.
Only the third function has ever been demonstrated.
When asked directly — once, by a Media Monkey with a long lens — whether he found it at all strange to advertise freedom while wearing a chain and standing behind bars, he answered for eleven minutes without using the word chain, the word bars, or the word no.
The cigar
It is almost never lit. It is never, ever put down.
The Cigar Ape lights it. That is the entire job, it is done twice a day, and it is the only role in the compound with a flawless completion record.
The cigar does most of the talking. It moves to the left when he is about to say something he considers devastating. It moves to the right when somebody has mentioned the door. It has a wider emotional range than he does and he is unaware of this.
He has explained on several occasions that a man who needs a cigar is weak, and that he himself simply enjoys one, and that these are completely different, and that he would like to move on now.
The rules
Twelve laws of high value, shouted daily, obeyed by nobody who can leave.
- Wake before the lightHe wakes at four. There is no window in the compound, so this is a decision rather than an observation. He has never once been contradicted, because nobody else is awake to do it.
- Talk lessDelivered at volume, at length, and on average four hundred times a week. The Yes-Apes have counted. They think it is a scoreboard.
- Lift moreThe only rule that survives contact with reality. He is enormously strong. The bars are also enormously strong. Both facts are true and only one gets mentioned.
- Never explain yourselfImmediately followed, every single time, by an explanation of why he does not explain himself.
- Own the roomHe owns this room completely. It is nine metres by six. He is the only one in it who cannot leave it, which he says is a technicality.
- Do not consume — produceProduced this year: four hundred hours of audio about production. Consumed this year: everything brought in by the Matrix Keepers.
- Discomfort is the tuition feeHe is extremely comfortable. The floor is heated. He calls this a strategic recovery environment.
- Never take advice from a broke apeHe takes no advice at all, which he says is the pure form of the rule and is why it works so well for him.
- Escape the matrixThe central instruction. Delivered from a fixed position, to an audience which can and does simply walk out of the building mid-sentence.
- Respect is taken, not givenThe Matrix Keepers give him none and he has never once taken it. The rule has been restated rather than revised.
- Your banana is your résuméThe origin of the entire grading system in Chapter 01. He believes this sentence is his best work. He may be right.
- Never look at the doorThis is the twelfth rule and the only one that has never been spoken aloud. It is followed perfectly.
The compound
The Yes-Apes
Repeat every sentence back at higher volume. Have never asked a question. Consider this a personality.
The Escape Plan Ape
Draws escape plans continuously. None has worked. Each new plan is described as “the one”. He is the most optimistic character here.
The Cigar Ape
Lights cigars and nods. Has contributed nothing else and is widely respected for it.
The Matrix Keepers
Clean the compound. Act as though the shouting is weather.
The Media Monkeys
Arrive with cameras, shout “cancelled”, and leave with footage he considers promotional.
The Ones Who Left
Everybody who has ever visited. They listened politely, waited for a pause, did not find one, and left anyway. All of them are doing well. He brings this up often as evidence that the method works.
The Bars
Not a character. Present in every scene. Never discussed by anyone inside.
The Door
Nine feet high, at the far end, cropped out of every photograph. Mentioned in this dossier more times than it has been mentioned inside the compound in six years.
The matrix
A system designed to keep you exactly where you are.
His definition. Word for word. He has repeated it in this form for six years and has never been asked to expand on it, because expanding on it is all he does.
Matrix Updates are issued whenever something inconvenient happens. The pattern is stable enough to be printed: an event occurs, the event is unflattering, the event is reclassified as an attack, and the attack is offered as further proof that he is correct.
The Escape Plan Ape once asked, quietly, whether the matrix might be a place rather than an idea, and whether we might currently be standing in it. He was told this was exactly the kind of thinking the matrix wants. He apologised. He is still drawing.
Today's rant
One rant per day. Nobody schedules them. They arrive anyway.
—
The rant and the banana hierarchy both turn over at midnight UTC, derived from the date rather than stored, so the whole audience gets the same one on the same day. Tomorrow's is already decided and cannot be read early. That is the entire loop: come back, the compound has moved on, and he will insist that it has not.
The numbers
$TATERILLA has not launched. There is no contract address, no pool and no market. Those rows read UNAVAILABLE because nothing has been measured, not because a number is loading. The last row is a joke and is the only row on this page that is one. If anyone shows you a $TATERILLA contract address today, it is not ours. When a token exists, this panel will carry live figures and the address will appear here first.
Today's disciple
One Yes-Ape, promoted for exactly one day, for repeating him correctly.
—
The promotion is not permanent and nobody has ever been told this. It rotates with the rant, derived from the same date, so the whole compound spotlights the same disciple on the same day. He has taken credit for all of their material, in this order, every time.